The Life And Times of Susan Fowt
by John Richards
Summary: Based on a scene in the episode "Stimpy's Fan Club".


This fic is a Christmas present for Aryeh. It is dedicated to John K. and Spumco. All characters and some situations were originated by the relevant people. I only did the writing-and towards the end of the fic, pieces of the original writing will be incorporated. This fiction is based on a scene in the episode "Stimpy's Fanclub". Events in this story should never be taken to imply events in reality. Begin!

Hello, I'm Susan Fowt. Yes, that is spelled with a W. Yes, I'm aware that "Fout" is an infinitely more common name. Well, ten times more common, according to Google. I'm not sure what exactly I was doing when I tuned into Nickelodeon. I mean, I'm in high school! You don't watch cartoons in high school! Well, not normal sophomores. I'm not a normal sophomore, I guess. I have friends, but not very many. Maybe I am normal, but I'm not exactly what you would imagine as normal. Okay, I'm normal. So sue me. But I lost track of my point...

Oh, yeah! So, I tuned into Nickelodeon when I was flipping through channels, thinking it was just going to be a brief stop between channels 41 and 43. But instead, I saw an incredibly confusing full-screen image of something bizarre that I wasn't sure what it was but it was animated and stuff flowing everywhere and close up of weird colored animal body part what? Lost track again. Anyways I was confused because I was flashing through the channels and Nick was showing a close-up of something gross and my confusion made me stay long enough to make out a basic plot and characters. So there's this tiny, thin, angry thing called Ren, and this big, fat, stupid, friendly thing called Stimpy and they do stuff together. I'll always remember the first episode I watched.

I'm certain that my mother disapproved of the sort of content in Ren and Stimpy, but it never really mattered, for two reasons. First off, my mother is too incompetent to actually monitor anything I see on TV. Second, my mother doesn't really care about me at all. One day I decided to test this by screaming "HEY MOM I'M OFF TO BECOME A CRACK WHORE!" Sure, she told me to wash my mouth out with soap for saying "whore", but afterwards she just lent me her shortest skirt and kicked me out of the house.

Remember earlier when I said I had friends? Okay, I was lying. I don't really have any friends. I have people that are willing to talk to me at school, but that's not really the same thing, as I found out one weekend. My mom was out of the house and all of my classmates, when called up, were either busy or "busy". So I tuned in to Nickelodeon, and, sure enough, they were showing Ren and Stimpy again. Before the episode started, I set my VCR to record it. After that, I recorded every episode when it showed on TV, and I put them on little tapes that I'd label with Sharpie. Eventually I built a little lab in the basement, next to the TV, where I'd cut the video tapes to get rid of the commercials.

I never understood why my friends and family didn't watch it. The animation was absolutely genius. They never used the same expression twice-I checked to make sure they kept up to their standards. The plots were far more innovative than anything else showing on the same channel. And the characters always sucked me in while repelling me-I always felt a combined sense of detachment and attachment. It was bizarre, but AWESOME.

I was there when Ren and Stimpy got sick. I was there when they pretended to be dalmatians. I was there every time they went into space. I was there when Ren was forced to be happy. I was there when they were registered in the army and I was there when they sold rubber nipples. I even found the episode "Son of Stimpy", which was only aired on a different channel (MTV).

It was a Saturday when things really started getting weird. And I mean WEIRD WEIRD, not just regular weird. My mom had long since abandoned me to the basement in disgust for my cartoon pasttime and I hadn't gone to school in several days. Making fanart is more fun. I have several notebooks, every one full of sketches. I've been trying to teach myself to draw, following the words of John Kricfalusi. Maybe someday I'll be an animator. At the very least, I have to know HOW. Otherwise I'll never get any respect from the people that matter. One time I accidentally drew something the same way I had before. So, of course, I did the only thing I could-I crushed my own hands and burned the ripoff drawing. I actually managed to make some good out of it-I also put quite a few 80s cartoons in the same fire. Yes!

So anyways, I decided the next logical step in my fandom would be writing letters to the characters. Sure, I know the characters aren't real. But who cares? The animators should get a kick out of it. "Dear Ren-"

I stopped. They probably got a lot of letters to Ren. He was the more interesting of the main two characters. I could write to one of the side characters, like the Fire Chief or George Liquor, but it would probably be seen as a gimmick. So I started over. "Dear Stimpy,

How are things going? I really love your show. You're great in it. I also like Ren. He is a very interesting character. I love the way he talks about murdering you... It's kind of scary, but it really makes me sympathize with him.

Your fan,

Susan Fowt"

So, I put the letter in the mailbox, and bizarrely soon (less than 24 hours, actually), I got a response back. "Dear Susan,

I understand that you love me and my show, because you are probably very stupid, and thus have a natural attraction towards other stupid people-" There were several spaces before the writing continued in an entirely different location. "It makes me very happy that you like Ren. Most people don't notice his intelligence, valor, and general likeability. You are by far the most interesting fan Ren and I have ever recieved mail from. Okay, I might be misleading you. I'm not Stimpy. I'm Ren. I can lie to you no longer. Of course, I am certain that you guessed that already from the immaculate handwriting." Well, I'd just assumed that was the handwriting of the animator. "I'll send an airplane to your house-" Really? "-so you can become part of the inner circle of Ren and Stimpy fans!" There was an inner circle of Ren and Stimpy fans? And I'm not part of it? What an outrage! ...what an adventure ahead...

"Signed, Ren." Before I could really consider the content of this letter in-depth, I heard a very loud noise outside-a noise that sounded distinctly like an airplane landing. I climbed the ladder out of the basement and there was, indeed, an airplane outside my house. It was a surreal sight-a huge, metal airplane in a suburban neighborhood. There were some scratch marks in all of the nearby walls. As I gaped at the airplane, the circular door on it opened up and in it was the biggest shock of my life-there are Ren and Stimpy, fully animated, standing there in front of me, in real life.

They say "You need a million dollars to get in."

I responded honestly. "I don't have a million dollars!"

Ren beckons me towards the airplane. I wasn't sure what to make of the situation. "Show me that quarter in your pocket."

"Which one?" Both of my pockets were absolutely full of quarters.

He says "Show me all of them."

I got all of the cash out of my pockets, and Ren and Stimpy sift through it. Stimpy holds up a quarter. "This quarter was minted the day Abraham Lincoln was shot, and was in his pocket when it happened." How did he know this? "It must be worth at least a million dollars!"

So I get in the airplane, and Ren says "We are very pleased to have you with us."

Stimpy says "It's always fun to induct new people into the fanclub!" His intonation on the words "induct" and "fanclub" seems just a bit off. Ren hands me a paper to memorize-the Oath of Servitude. It's not quite the same as the one I'm familiar with, but it's similar. It still is a marvel to see animation in real life. The implications frighten me. All of Ren and Stimpy's conflicts and adventures, real-what does it mean? The inside of the airplane is also turning into the John K. style that I'm so familiar with-object by object, the visual takes over the entire line of sight. I look down and even I am turning, tiny bit by bit, into a similar being. It feels absolutely amazing. I dreamed I'd be an animator, but I never really believed it. But I never even dreamed I'd be an ANIMATION. I try not to show my wonder in the experience-it might be considered impolite.

I look outside the window. "Things might shortly get a bit bumpy," says Ren.

"We're about to go into the site of our meetings! The lower intestine of a sperm whale," says Stimpy. How does an airplane get into a whale? I'm still not sure. I'm too busy watching an episode of Ren and Stimpy that was never even RELEASED on television-Man's Best Friend. I'm in my own personal little heaven! There's a vaguely unnerving feeling creeping up on me, though, but I can't quite determine the cause of it. A few minutes later, when the airplane door opened up, all of us got out. "Roll the cameras!" Stimpy shouts. Lights flash out of nowhere. I try to remain silent. I don't think I'm onscreen... yet. I could be on TV...

Ren grabs some levers on top of a sheep. Why is a sheep inside a sperm whale? I try not to think about it. "At last I have control of your TV set! Is your mother there? No? Good! Welcome to our secret headquarters!"

"Deep inside the lower intestine of a sperm whale!"

Ren pulls on a stretchy mask. Stimpy also does so. "Well, Stimpy, time to induct another member into the fanclub." Ren begins to rub his paw. I am getting creeped out. "Does the subject... qualify?"

"Well, here's her vital statistics! Her name's Susan Fowt, she's human, 15, from Pennsylvania, and-"

"Shut up, you fool! Did she bring the money?"

Stimpy displays the contents of my pockets, neatly tied into a burlap sack with a dollar sign painted on it. "A cool million in small change!" I am getting worried. Something seems strongly off about the whole thing. I try not to look like it, though-I'm on TV!

"...she qualifies. Now, Susan Fowt, as proof of your loyalty, kindly recite the Oath of Servitude!"

I think back to the paper. I tried to get it memorized. I tried... I try to look smart and hope to God that I don't get a word wrong. "I, Susan Fowt, promise to watch the Ren and Stimpy Show, over and over again, until my eyeballs implode! ...even if it goes into ten years of reruns!" Ren is nodding, which seems good.

"And?"

"I promise to memorize whole episodes and recite the lines shamelessly in unwelcome situations!" Nothing to disagree with yet. I'd already watched the show over and over again, I'd already memorized everything that had been released, and I'd always secretly wished I could quote lines, and I often lapsed into it. Now I even have an excuse. Stimpy is nodding now. Things are looking up, until both leap up at me.

"And and?"

"Oh yeah! I promise to wear..." Was this really worth it? I guess it is. "unwashed liederhosen, every single day, for the rest of my life!" Ren and Stimpy both recite the last part with me. Well, I guess I have to find a lot of unwashed liederhosen now.

"That's it!" shouts Ren. He takes off his mask, and I feel slightly safer. "You're in our secret club!" Ren and Stimpy hold both of my hands. I have never felt more proud in my life. Ha ha ha! I hope you can see me now, Mom! And Kate, and Jim, and all those people at school. They didn't like me... They never liked me! Ren and Stimpy like me! And they're a whole other world of existence! A higher world! A world where everything is visual art. A world where everything fundamentally connects with your mind, in a different way. I'm part of that world now. "Step this way to the honored seat for new club members!" I see claws, and a hammer, and a saw, and...

Susan Fowt feels an enormous rotary saw removing the very top of her head. She isn't aware of the pain for very long though, as the part of her brain that stops her from being a vegetable is cut out and thrown onto the floor. The remaining fragments of her brain are wired by a chiuhaha named Ren and a cat named Stimpy up to a large control panel. They had been working on it for over a year. Previously it could only make people vaguely happy, but now it can control every muscle in their body. The blood is mopped up and the top of her head is sewn back on to make her look prettier. Through manipulation of the buttons, Ren and Stimpy have her bend over, into the most efficient receptive position. "Is she ready for use?" Ren says.

"Definitely ready!" Stimpy says. There is a brief pause. "Wait! Ren! Our latest show is still too short by sixteen seconds!"

"I know what we can do! We need a threat to keep the girl secret!"

"Great thinking, Ren!" Stimpy shouts, "Turn the camera on!"

"Remember," says Ren, "Reveal what you've seen here, and we'll tear your tonsils out!"

"OK, kids, it's back to our secret cartoon!" ... "Cut!"

Susan Fowt reflexively feels multiple forced separations in a variety of orifices, primarily those on the lower half of her body, but she is unable to respond to them due to a newfound lack of a central nervous system. This continues for several days, and t he feeli ngs gradual ly become wea ker a s s h e b e g i n s t o d e c a y f r o m m a l n u t r i t i

CHICOUTIMI POLICE REPORT:4/26/93

Crime #8

Perpetrator(s):Unknown.

Victim(s):1 (One), unidentifiable. Young, female-likely a minor. Brown hair, blue eyes. Fair complexion.

Crime:Murder, mutilation of a corpse, multiple rape, (?bestiality?)

Notes:Victim was found covered in ambergris outside of Chicoutimi Hospital, with claw marks matching both those of cats and those of dogs. Portions of her brain were missing, but the cause of death appeared to be starvation.

Rape kits have proven positive.

DNA testing revealed that she was the victim of repeated rape over a period several weeks by 1 (one) cat and 1 (one) dog.

All investigations have been dropped following a conditional donation to our local police force from Viacom.


End file.
